i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
