i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator