my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
