Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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