marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
