Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i came on her dog
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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