Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
