I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
