OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
