story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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