The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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