Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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