So drunk its hurt
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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