Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
third nipple confirmed
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Couch. On fire.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
