Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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