explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize