My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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