Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Help. Why am I so naked?
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