If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
