i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
