Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
