I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
