Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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