I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
