She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
