woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
