She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
