my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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