id be glad to
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
