2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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