Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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