Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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