Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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