I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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