Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
