i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
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he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
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He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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