Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he thought i was a dude.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
