Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
