I think I won the penis lottery.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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