Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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