Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
