My liver just broke up with me...
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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