Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
