Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
