I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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