So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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