im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
