Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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