Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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