Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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