i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
