Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
