theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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