I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
