I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
