My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
