1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
